MY HEART BLED........

My heart has been twisted, pinched, squeezed and fried by others....I felt like crying ..but my tears can't flow..there are no tears.I was given the gift of letting my emotions flow through my tears but it was taken away this year...I don't think this gift will ever return to me again...

My emotions fluctuated for the past 8 mths...I was given hope but hope was taken away. I was given friendship but was betrayal in disguise. I was given warmth but was frozen in darkness. I was given love but was taken away. I was once a daddy's girl but daddy's is no longer around to pamper me. I was once my mummy's little angel but I lost my wings to fly when she left me for heaven. Life's was unfair to me. I want my wings back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanted kinship and love to fly again...but was never given the chance again. I have fallen to an unknown hell. A hell was built in my heart. I was trapped within this cold cell. I can't breathe....
I wish that I have taken my dad's place in heaven. My life is worthless as compared to the love they showered me. I was told that my dad's biggest wish is to see me earing my graduation gown. I did it! he attended my graduation ceremony at NUS on 13 july 2004. Half a year later, he died of lung cancer cum infections cum heart failure at SGH cardiac thoraic ICU. I was helpless...there was nothing I could do to help but to pray hard. I knew that he could hear me when I talked to him but he couldn't answer me cos he was on high sedation. He is the only one elderly in S'pore to be put on the ECMO machine( heart-lung machine) to sustain his life cos his lungs' functions failed. I asked for a human to human lung transplant. I was rejected cos it is too dangerous to perform such operations. I wish I could transplant my lungs to my dad's. But I can't.................

I watched the movie" butterfly effect". It is abt causes and effects. If I have followed my heart to take a different course in my life, will my dad not die so soon...? I always thought that by taking a shorter route to graduation(Business sch degree), my dad will be relieved of the financial burden and he can get his wish fulfilled sooner. He can retire early and enjoy his life, travelling around...he liked China and Malaysia...He wanted to go australia to recupperate. Have I pushed both our destiny forward? If I go into architecture, will things change? Fate has played a joke on me.

I had alot of problems recently both emotionally and physically...I am tired I wanted to end everything. If I die one day will anyone know? I lived alone............................................................

MIND YOUR BODY STRAITS TIMES ARTICLE 31 AUG 2005
I got emotional when i read this article about the heart and lung... the doctor featured in the article is DR LIM CH. he was the doctor that put my dad on the ECMO machine. He mentioned abt only 4 adults in the past 3 years was put on the machine to sustain their life..only 2 survived...my dad is the misfortunate one...I have mixed emotions. I wanna thank him for giving me hope and gave my dad's his last chance to survive..but I also hated the pple at SGH as they didn't really let my dad do a proper chk-up prior to the operation...my dad was suffering from stage 2 lung cancer...and the chances of survival is 70 %...but why he had to die?

My heart bled this morning till now..why must I be reminded of the pain from time to time...........................................................................................................