MY HEART BLED........

My heart has been twisted, pinched, squeezed and fried by others....I felt like crying ..but my tears can't flow..there are no tears.I was given the gift of letting my emotions flow through my tears but it was taken away this year...I don't think this gift will ever return to me again...

My emotions fluctuated for the past 8 mths...I was given hope but hope was taken away. I was given friendship but was betrayal in disguise. I was given warmth but was frozen in darkness. I was given love but was taken away. I was once a daddy's girl but daddy's is no longer around to pamper me. I was once my mummy's little angel but I lost my wings to fly when she left me for heaven. Life's was unfair to me. I want my wings back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanted kinship and love to fly again...but was never given the chance again. I have fallen to an unknown hell. A hell was built in my heart. I was trapped within this cold cell. I can't breathe....
I wish that I have taken my dad's place in heaven. My life is worthless as compared to the love they showered me. I was told that my dad's biggest wish is to see me earing my graduation gown. I did it! he attended my graduation ceremony at NUS on 13 july 2004. Half a year later, he died of lung cancer cum infections cum heart failure at SGH cardiac thoraic ICU. I was helpless...there was nothing I could do to help but to pray hard. I knew that he could hear me when I talked to him but he couldn't answer me cos he was on high sedation. He is the only one elderly in S'pore to be put on the ECMO machine( heart-lung machine) to sustain his life cos his lungs' functions failed. I asked for a human to human lung transplant. I was rejected cos it is too dangerous to perform such operations. I wish I could transplant my lungs to my dad's. But I can't.................

I watched the movie" butterfly effect". It is abt causes and effects. If I have followed my heart to take a different course in my life, will my dad not die so soon...? I always thought that by taking a shorter route to graduation(Business sch degree), my dad will be relieved of the financial burden and he can get his wish fulfilled sooner. He can retire early and enjoy his life, travelling around...he liked China and Malaysia...He wanted to go australia to recupperate. Have I pushed both our destiny forward? If I go into architecture, will things change? Fate has played a joke on me.

I had alot of problems recently both emotionally and physically...I am tired I wanted to end everything. If I die one day will anyone know? I lived alone............................................................

MIND YOUR BODY STRAITS TIMES ARTICLE 31 AUG 2005
I got emotional when i read this article about the heart and lung... the doctor featured in the article is DR LIM CH. he was the doctor that put my dad on the ECMO machine. He mentioned abt only 4 adults in the past 3 years was put on the machine to sustain their life..only 2 survived...my dad is the misfortunate one...I have mixed emotions. I wanna thank him for giving me hope and gave my dad's his last chance to survive..but I also hated the pple at SGH as they didn't really let my dad do a proper chk-up prior to the operation...my dad was suffering from stage 2 lung cancer...and the chances of survival is 70 %...but why he had to die?

My heart bled this morning till now..why must I be reminded of the pain from time to time...........................................................................................................

i finally back from Kuala lumpur ... though it is a short trip but a fulfilling one:

(1) didn't get caught by traffic police though i did speed at abt 140km/hrto 150km/hr.
(2) Managed to navigate my way through th heavy traffic within KL and finally find my way to
my hotel...the most posh hotel in KL--Mandarin Oriental.
(3) Go shopping...haha
(4) Go Clubbing at the famous PASSION pub.
(5) Finally spend gd quality time with my friends....

I miss my hotel room: thanks Lan for arranging all these...luv ya!

we stayed on the 20th floor overseeing the KLCC..next to the famous corny towers...the petronas.

paiseh will post the photos later cos my broadband is down...don't know wat is the prob.,....

Yeah! finally finish my korean serial: full house!..acted by rain(bi). A cute chap...

A very heart-warming and sweet korean serial. Less tears and more laughter than the usual Korean production..haha although I am still a die-hard japanese serial fan. The drama did remind me of some incidents that happened a few mths back but it is the past... Those who have nothing to do at home and have all the time to spend in the world, my advice is: u shld watch this 16 series drama.

One Last Thing I like abt the drama: THE HOUSE BY THE BEACH is called FULL HOUSE. I like the name of the house; though it is big and empty but the house still look welcoming and full of life... I like the architecture of the house and the spiral staircase in the living room. haha hope i can afford this kinda house in the future. I like the mini garden outside the living room and the full length glass windows. I think tt is my dream hse..though i know i have to clean the hse like siao!

PiggiElaine

A nice sunrise to brighten your gloomy day!

Life is full of opportunities, grab it before it slips away.

whatever u do, do it quick and bear with the consequences...trust ur judgement and don't regret!

Shld you need a shoulder to cry on, look no further, ur friends are behind u!

love heaps, hweiying

563 BC to 483 BC

The ego is illusory; freedom of the oneself in the emptiness is Nirvana. Essentially, it is about trancending material needs and wants to enlarge upon spiritual growth, which is seen as an essential movement towards the ending of personal and human suffering. Get it?

All mighty religions in this universe are born equal and they are there to educate people ( all of us have our sins) to be good citizens of the universe....there is no difference in the bottomline of their teachings....at the end of the day when there is a final judgement day ( I personally think tt it is when the day u die), our sins can be reduced through accumulation of gd deeds, going for prayers etc...all religions are set up to direct us to become gd individuals..but some of the religions may have gone overboard over these missionary affairs... afterall these organizations are controlled by human beings( we r not pure at hearts cos we r not saints..even so, there r fallen angels too!)

The crux of the matter here is to stop religions' war and let us all unite in peace. let's not talk abt religion.....we should live our everyday to be fullest and should we die one day or tomorrow, we shall ot die with regrets! I know it will be hard to die without regrets cos u still have ur loved ones and many desires tt u have not fulfilled. Let's face it this way---if u r not born to this world, u will not have these desires and ur so-called loved one. U r just you in heaven or the universe..u r only one soul with no strings/bond attached. We shld leave behind these strings when we leave. This is wat i have done for my dad when he passed away on 3rd Jan 2005. I prayed before him and tell him to leave peacefully and leave whatever worries, sins, desires behind in this world and go for nirvana( we r buddhists). He smiled half an hour later after his death...deep down I know he passed away peacefully cos he know that i am strong and i didn't cry. It is tough for anyone to chant those buddhism prayers when their loved ones passed away...but i know i must be strong and do this final prayer for him....

I chanted "xin jing" for my dad...farewell parting gift. Dad! I still miss u! i wish i can reunite with u and mama soon...but i know i can't. The purpose of my existence is to tie up the loose strings tt u have left behind. I will join u all when my job in this world is done!

my 2 cents...

I think I may die in a car accident...

I don't really know why i feel so pessimistic today... i had a bad feeling abt my upcoming trip to KL on the 27 AUG. May be I was thinking too much but I thought tt i may die on my way there...I really hope tt this won't happen....

If it does...I hope tt I will die of a quick death...I hope tt I can get sumptous meals at my wake..Please serve me cakes esp strawberry, blackforest, tiramisu and mango cakes...I would like to have my strawberry ice cream from anderson's. or gelare'. I hate haagan daz ice cream...so pls dun get me those ice cream. I love beef noodles, sirloin steak, fish meat soup, herbal chicken, pepper crab, korean ginseng chicken soup & kimchi....and of course, no milio ...i love coffee only. I hope I can eat all these food at my wake....As for flowers, I like pink and white roses. I dun like sunflowers and lilies. . .

I hope I can be cremated and my ashes being brought back to melaka and placed with my dad's ashes....I also beg anyone i know to help mi get my mum's bones cremated after i die and bring it back to melaka..i wanna unite with my parents as one family...these r my last words.....so long my frens....

Bought a t-shirt fr rougeonline.com

haha ..i know i am being implusive again...pardon me for my shopping sins. I am named the " shopping queen" by my best fren's boyboy for a gd reason. Of course i must live up to my reputation. i am kinda curious on getting things online..the last time that i bought something online is from amazon.com...an uncensored DVD from the USA. ya ya....there r some R(A) scenes...but not those dirty movies...

I kinda addicted to online purchases....i am now eyeing for my harman kardon speakers from apple.com. it is cheaper now a compared to the price abt 6 mths ago...still need to go down to the apple store to see whether i can get a further discount with my apple card. if the price is the same than i can get it online if i want...those who know me...will be surprised tt how come i can "tahan" so long for something tt i fancy...of course the price have not reached its "fair" value yet.

how long have i been away from this world?...everything looks so different...where are my loved ones? posted on behalf of my mum who passed away on 30-3-1991.

Finally !!! i finally pick up the courage to create my 1st online journal...this idea of revealing my inner thoughts did freak me out on 1st thought.

This photo was taken my my best friend: Cat ..at my another best friend's Liqi's wedding... It's a tiring day for all of us at the wedding...guess wat? before u even think that i am overly-dressed for the wedding...STOP!..I am the MC for the wedding..it is my first time hosting a wedding...traumatizing!!!

HAHA..that's me..strong on the outside..bu freaking out on the inside!